Stressed

I just want to stare at the monitor and listen to my kpop playlist. I was so busy this past few days and I feel really stressed. I just want to pause for a moment and stop thinking or feeling anything. I want to be numb even for just a day. I want to give myself a treat. I wanna be alone somewhere in a beach. Might relax the nerves in me. Or maybe in a place where no one knows me and just be myself. I guess I have always been afraid to be alone. Maybe I should get the hell out from my comfort zone? Maybe...but I gotta finish all the things that need to be done first. Maybe after that I could give myself that special treat.

Goodnight.

Bad Dream

Good morning Sunday. I just woke up from a bad dream. I was on a fight with a course-mate and our professor scolded me with a "i can't remember what it was" project. What I remember is that it was something that would take time to finish and I was working with my thesis so I was like "WHAT TO DO? I CAN'T GRADUATE WITH THIS!" I woke up realizing that I was crying while dreaming but felt relieved that it was all just a dream.

Then it got me into thinking that I haven't gotten into a real fight with someone yet. I was always the afraid one, the coward one. I just cried whenever I got bullied during my high school days. Well, I never fought back because if did, I might have been called by our principal and that's a shame. Fighting isn't everything. You don't really have to fight back to feel that you are strong and brave. When I'm mad and upset, I cuss a lot when I'm all by myself but when the person I am mad/upset with is with me, I just shut my mouth up and don't even say a word.

Oh well. I gotta go to work now.

Heavy Heart

It's past midnight and my eyes are still wide open. My heart is so heavy and tears just keep on flowing on my cheeks. I'm supposed to be sleeping now but I just can't sleep with this heavy heart. I was reflecting and realized that my heart is not as peaceful as I thought it was. It is clouded with doubts, jealousy, insecurities, fears and all that kind of stuff. I realized how selfish and rude I am. I am very impatient and I really find it hard to control my anger. I cuss a lot and I hurt people with the words that're coming out from my mouth which, of course, I always regret. Saying sorry or expressing myself is just so hard to do. What is seriously wrong with me? I hate it when I hurt those people that are close to me especially my parents and siblings. I keep on complaining when in fact there are millions of people who are more unfortunate than I am.

Listening to Christian songs relaxes my nerves. Has to do this often.

Sabbath Day: What Is It Really All About?

As mentioned in my About Me Page and post, I seldom go to church. There are reasons but the very reason I don’t go to church during Sundays is because I don’t want to go there just because I am obliged to do so.

I just had a conversation with a friend who just went to church today but fell asleep during the priest’s sermon. He goes to church every Sunday with his family and well, I’m not sure if he listens to the priest at all. You know, this is one of the things I don’t like about people. They only go to church because it’s SUNDAY. Yes, I understand that it is one of the Ten Commandments of our Lord. And yes, I also appreciate the effort and time these people devote in order to go to church ‘cause believe me it’s not easy to go against lethargy. But regardless, I don’t appreciate the deed at all. The commandment says “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.” Well, surely, they obeyed the first part of the commandment but what they forgot to obey is to make the Sabbath day holy, which I believe is the most important thing about this commandment. But how do we make it holy? Does going to church every Sunday enough? NO, it’s not. Sabbath day is the day that we should spend our day with the Lord and it shouldn’t just be about attending the mass. It’s more of committing yourself to God mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Most people, believe me or not, go to church and don’t listen to the pastor/priest’s sermons at all not even to the word of God. Some people go to church to dress up, others to accompany their friends, and most people go to church just because it’s SUNDAY. And I hate it. I really do. This is the reason why I don’t go to church at all. I don’t feel blessed most of the time and I only find myself committing more sins whenever I attend masses. There was even a time when I heard someone saying “When will his sermons going to end? I want to go home now” and I was like, “You shouldn’t have been here and just stayed home instead of complaining”. See what I’m trying to say here? People think that going to church, sitting and kneeling is enough to please the Lord. Sad reality. Tsk3.

So well, I’m not talking here as a hardcore Christian and I’m not even trying to chasten these people. I’m just sharing my thoughts and opinion about this matter. Whether you agree or not, it’s yours to decide.

Graduation Frustration

I feel envious! Everyone is posting their graduation photos on Facebook and I really feel envious and insecure. My friends and batch-mates are graduating this April and I and my thesis partner are not. I, actually, already accepted in myself that I could not march this year but I just can't help myself from feeling down every time I see their photos and read their status and posts about graduation. I always wanted to graduate with my closest friends, Mollusca, but it's sad that only three of us will be graduating this year. But I am truly happy and proud for them. I'm just looking at the bright side now. So what's the bright side of not graduating? Well, I can spend another month here in Iligan. That means I still have a month to stay and bond with my friends 'cause after finishing our thesis, I will go back home and see what'll happen to me next. What else? (thinking...........) Can't think of anything else but it's okay. I'm fine and feeling great. Good thing I have understanding parents. But I and my partner will do our best to finish this before summer starts or the worst scenario is before the month of April ends. So AJAH! FIGHTING! Everything has its own time and place. ^^,


P.S. I'm back here! ^^