i wish..i wish

I wish I could be a li’l harsh. I wish life could stop being harsh. I wish everything was different – my hair, my school, my SELF, everything! I wish I was not the kind who gets hurt so easily. I wish I was the insensitive one. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could ignore everyone who keeps on pulling me down. I wish I could be mean. I wish I could live without those I couldn’t live without now. I wish I don’t have this messy, fuckin’ life. I wish I was never even born. I wish I never met those people who contributed me pain. I wish I could just laugh and laugh and laugh. I wish problems could be ignored. I wish… I wish… upon a star.

My being emotional, kind and sensitive are not contributing me any good. I wish…I could change for the good of me because im tired..im soo tired with this bullshit life of mine. I wish…I wish!

feels like today

Every day is a day of pain and trials for me. I feel like I’ve fallin into a very deep abyss and I can’t move up. People see me as a happy person but deep inside I’m dying in pain. Well, it has never been about guys because people think that a person becomes more emotional when brokenhearted. But no, it’s not about it. It’s about my life in general. My life was full of pains I don’t even want to live with it. If only I could change it. But I can’t and I need to live with this until my last breath.

People have so many friends and so do I. But among those friends I have now, a few only knows me much or maybe nobody really knows me at all. And only a few understands me as me. People tend to joke around on me and they have never known that, sometimes, those funny li’l jokes for them have stroke and hurt me. But that was fine. Maybe they don’t really mean those. Maybe I am really just a weakling. I cry and get hurt so easily, which I really hate about myself. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to stop crying and live a happy life full of laughter and joy. But how? I feel like I was abandoned by everyone.

I hate the set up of my life. I want to change it but I think I can’t yet. I have always wished I could just run away and forget everything and everyone but how could I ever do that? Is it even possible? I remember when I was younger, I wanted to be in an accident and get amnesia so I could forget all the problems I’m facing. Well, until now, I’m still wishing I could have amnesia. I want to forget everything…and everyone. Friends! Sometimes, your friends are the ones who could make you feel bitter. They may not know it or they may have not done it intentionally but it’s true. They, sometimes, are the ones pulling you down. Well this may not be true to everyone but for me it is. But still, friendship is more important for me and I love my friends. I am a person who never keeps hatred in the heart. I forgive so easily and I think that is, somehow, a weakness. Is it? Well, I think it is. Sometimes, I wanted to hate someone but I just can’t understand why I can’t. Maybe I’m just too kind I can’t hate anyone even those people who “contributed” bitterness in my life.

But despite all the problems, I still find reasons to smile in a day. It’s just that there are days that I feel so sentimental just like today. But what I’m trying to do now is to be more optimistic and see the bright side of my life. I don’t want to miss the happy moments life may bring. No retreat…no surrender. Life goes on and I know, someday, somehow, I could find that happiness I’ve been longing to have. And someday, I could say that all these pains I have now are all worth the happiness I would soon have.

Writing how I feel today makes my day better. I feel better now. Have a good day. ^____^

Moving forward

Nine months, I guess, is long enough for me to not recover from my past.Funny it was that I have been suffering from emotional distress when, in fact, we have just spent a li’l time together. Yet, the four months of being together brought me a kind of bliss nobody had given me. He was a great person. He showed me love and I appreciate every li’l thing he had given me – the joy, laughter, comfort, love, time, the tears and the memories. But everything was just part of my past and I can’t live with them anymore. Promises are made to be broken and five years is long enough for us to find somebody else. So there is no sense living with the promises of the past. It has never been easy for me to let go and move on but now, I am ready to cut the string that attaches me from him. I am ready to let go.

Goodbye ronnel. It was nice meeting you. ^____^

it's just that...

There are many things in life that we just can’t understand, may it be an ordinary or an extraordinary thing. But as they say, everything happens for a purpose. You just have to believe in it.

I often wonder why life seems to be so unfair. There are those people who are homeless, who spend their nights on streets, eat leftover foods, yet they are still so eager to have LIFE. They seek and fight for life yet others are wasting their lives for nonsense matters and almost want DEATH! Wae?(why) LIFE is precious; it is short. Why can’t people just be thankful that they were still able to see the beauty of the world?...that they were still given the chance to amend the mistakes of yesterdays? Can’t it just be like that? Can’t we just be contented and thankful for this life?

Ohhh! I’m saying all these yet I, myself, can’t even be contented of what I ONLY have now. In the world that I am in, I don’t seem to exist. If I do, then I’m the ant- so small that everyone could just step on me because I could hardly be seen and felt. I hate this life that I have because it’s causing me a lot of problems that I can hardly handle them. Well, friends are there…but I haven’t found the friend that I’ve been longing to have all my life yet…The friend to whom I could share EVERYTHING with…the friend whom I could cry myself out whenever I want to…the friend who knows the ME in me…who could tell if I’m in trouble even if I haven’t said a word. I wonder if I’ll ever find one. Would I? Well, I’m still hoping so. Through this person, maybe he/she could fill the emptiness that my heart has, hence, my LIFE. Waiting may take me years but I would endure. Fighting!!!

sudden feeling of depression

My life has always been like this – full of problems- may it be a family matter, personal, school or even lovelife(hehe). But what i’m more concern of is my family problems, which also affects my studies. My personal problems are not important as for now. I need to set them aside for the meantime so i could focus on my study and family.

I was fortunate enough that I was still able to go to school this semester. Big thanks to GOd for the help and opportunity He had given me and that is through my friend’s family. It was really a great help. However, my parents are still having a hard time supporting me. And I feel so guilty that i could still go party and i even had a debt, which i dont know how to pay. I really feel so bad about myself. I feel like im such a bad daughter. I want to help them but how? I was planning to look for a part-time job but i am not so sure if I could manage. I’m now in my last year in college which means that i have a busier class schedule. I feel so useless. *sobs*

Everytime i talk to them on the phone, i could really sensethe worry in their voices. And i hate it ’cause i could do nothing with it. I feel so depressed.

I wish everything would be fine because i’m really having a hard time on this. I know GOD will never leave me and my family. *wide smile*