Stressed

I just want to stare at the monitor and listen to my kpop playlist. I was so busy this past few days and I feel really stressed. I just want to pause for a moment and stop thinking or feeling anything. I want to be numb even for just a day. I want to give myself a treat. I wanna be alone somewhere in a beach. Might relax the nerves in me. Or maybe in a place where no one knows me and just be myself. I guess I have always been afraid to be alone. Maybe I should get the hell out from my comfort zone? Maybe...but I gotta finish all the things that need to be done first. Maybe after that I could give myself that special treat.

Goodnight.

Bad Dream

Good morning Sunday. I just woke up from a bad dream. I was on a fight with a course-mate and our professor scolded me with a "i can't remember what it was" project. What I remember is that it was something that would take time to finish and I was working with my thesis so I was like "WHAT TO DO? I CAN'T GRADUATE WITH THIS!" I woke up realizing that I was crying while dreaming but felt relieved that it was all just a dream.

Then it got me into thinking that I haven't gotten into a real fight with someone yet. I was always the afraid one, the coward one. I just cried whenever I got bullied during my high school days. Well, I never fought back because if did, I might have been called by our principal and that's a shame. Fighting isn't everything. You don't really have to fight back to feel that you are strong and brave. When I'm mad and upset, I cuss a lot when I'm all by myself but when the person I am mad/upset with is with me, I just shut my mouth up and don't even say a word.

Oh well. I gotta go to work now.

Heavy Heart

It's past midnight and my eyes are still wide open. My heart is so heavy and tears just keep on flowing on my cheeks. I'm supposed to be sleeping now but I just can't sleep with this heavy heart. I was reflecting and realized that my heart is not as peaceful as I thought it was. It is clouded with doubts, jealousy, insecurities, fears and all that kind of stuff. I realized how selfish and rude I am. I am very impatient and I really find it hard to control my anger. I cuss a lot and I hurt people with the words that're coming out from my mouth which, of course, I always regret. Saying sorry or expressing myself is just so hard to do. What is seriously wrong with me? I hate it when I hurt those people that are close to me especially my parents and siblings. I keep on complaining when in fact there are millions of people who are more unfortunate than I am.

Listening to Christian songs relaxes my nerves. Has to do this often.

Sabbath Day: What Is It Really All About?

As mentioned in my About Me Page and post, I seldom go to church. There are reasons but the very reason I don’t go to church during Sundays is because I don’t want to go there just because I am obliged to do so.

I just had a conversation with a friend who just went to church today but fell asleep during the priest’s sermon. He goes to church every Sunday with his family and well, I’m not sure if he listens to the priest at all. You know, this is one of the things I don’t like about people. They only go to church because it’s SUNDAY. Yes, I understand that it is one of the Ten Commandments of our Lord. And yes, I also appreciate the effort and time these people devote in order to go to church ‘cause believe me it’s not easy to go against lethargy. But regardless, I don’t appreciate the deed at all. The commandment says “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.” Well, surely, they obeyed the first part of the commandment but what they forgot to obey is to make the Sabbath day holy, which I believe is the most important thing about this commandment. But how do we make it holy? Does going to church every Sunday enough? NO, it’s not. Sabbath day is the day that we should spend our day with the Lord and it shouldn’t just be about attending the mass. It’s more of committing yourself to God mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. Most people, believe me or not, go to church and don’t listen to the pastor/priest’s sermons at all not even to the word of God. Some people go to church to dress up, others to accompany their friends, and most people go to church just because it’s SUNDAY. And I hate it. I really do. This is the reason why I don’t go to church at all. I don’t feel blessed most of the time and I only find myself committing more sins whenever I attend masses. There was even a time when I heard someone saying “When will his sermons going to end? I want to go home now” and I was like, “You shouldn’t have been here and just stayed home instead of complaining”. See what I’m trying to say here? People think that going to church, sitting and kneeling is enough to please the Lord. Sad reality. Tsk3.

So well, I’m not talking here as a hardcore Christian and I’m not even trying to chasten these people. I’m just sharing my thoughts and opinion about this matter. Whether you agree or not, it’s yours to decide.

Graduation Frustration

I feel envious! Everyone is posting their graduation photos on Facebook and I really feel envious and insecure. My friends and batch-mates are graduating this April and I and my thesis partner are not. I, actually, already accepted in myself that I could not march this year but I just can't help myself from feeling down every time I see their photos and read their status and posts about graduation. I always wanted to graduate with my closest friends, Mollusca, but it's sad that only three of us will be graduating this year. But I am truly happy and proud for them. I'm just looking at the bright side now. So what's the bright side of not graduating? Well, I can spend another month here in Iligan. That means I still have a month to stay and bond with my friends 'cause after finishing our thesis, I will go back home and see what'll happen to me next. What else? (thinking...........) Can't think of anything else but it's okay. I'm fine and feeling great. Good thing I have understanding parents. But I and my partner will do our best to finish this before summer starts or the worst scenario is before the month of April ends. So AJAH! FIGHTING! Everything has its own time and place. ^^,


P.S. I'm back here! ^^

More About Me

There's nothing really interesting about me. I'm just an ordinary girl who is cheerful, loud, happy yet delicate, impulsive, indecisive and all. I can even be annoying sometimes. I easily get hurt and I'm not the strong type but I'm not the kind who gives up easily either. Every time I fall on the ground, I always pull myself up. For me, giving up is taking once life away and I can never do that. I love my life. It may not be as perfect as the others' but I'm glad I have this. I know I'm stronger than them emotionally though I cry a lot. Even if there were times that I thought crying my heart out is a weakness, I also believed more often that crying is being HUMAN and though people may think that I'm weak because I cry a lot, I know for myself that it isn't true at all because not everyone can cry their heart's out. I really think it's a good thing. Keeping all the burdens of your heart within yourself makes you weaker on the long run.

I'm a Roman Catholic but I seldom go to church, which does not mean that I don't believe in Him. I just don't think my faith will get stronger when i go to church. I actually feel otherwise. I even believe that my faith is firmer than those who go to church during Sundays.

What else? I'm taking up Bachelor of Science in Information Technology right now and I just got my Cisco Certified Network Associate (CCNA) license this year (2010). Hmmm... I don't actually feel like I belong to this field but I have to be practical and continue. Anyway, I'm sure I will find what my heart truly wants as I go through this journey of life. I am a very optimistic person though there are really times that optimism won't help and you just have to accept the bitterness of reality.

71: Into The Fire - A Must Watch Movie

71: Into the Fire is a 2010 Korean war film led by two of the greatest actors in Korea Kwon Sang Woo, as the rebellious guy and T.O.P, as the captain of the student soldier, together with Cha Seung-Won and Kim Seung Woo. The lead roles were originally casted to Kim Beom and Yoo Seung-Ho but for some reason, the roles were given to Kwon Sang Woo and T.O.P. Anyways, I believe they have performed their roles pretty well which made the movie really great.

This heart-breaking movie was based on the 71 students who fought against hundreds of North Korean soldiers during the Korean war on August 11, 1950. Mere students as they were, they protected the Pohang Girls Middle School, where they were ordered to, and held back the enemies for 11 hours. They were scared to death as the war started but kept on fighting in order to live. It is a must-watch movie and I already had it listed in my FAVORITE MOVIES LIST.

As I was watching at the earlier part of the movie, I had this realization that soldiers who went to wars might have thought that their enemies were wicked evil but the truth is their enemies also thought the same way as they did. I believe that most of the soldiers from both parties, if not all, especially those who only followed orders didn't really fight for their countries but for their lives. They fought in order to survive, to be able to see and hug their loved ones again, and to live as a man once again. Well, I am not saying that they were selfish and all and that they never thought about their countries. I just believe that the first thing they have in mind was to survive. Dying for the country is, I think, the last thing they have in mind. Of course, we have great people in this world who could die for someone, for the country, and I really admire them a lot. Dying over the want and need to survive is very courageous and rewarding. Okay, I guess I'm talking a lot here. Watch this movie and your time wouldn't be wasted.

Thanks for reading.

P.S. This is a post from my other blog and since I'll be using this blogger account again, I just thought I should also post it here.

Promises...

In a world where change is the only constant thing that exists, pain and distress arises. And promises,they are made to be failed and not to be fulfilled.

I once believed that not all promises can be broken...that there are some people, few of the billion people of earth, who can prove to me that not all promises are lies. I believed but I gained nothing but pain. I guess it was more than just believing. It was rather faith in the words uttered and said. But what does it gave me? A BROKEN HEART!

I could not believe myself for hurting this much...for being stuck in my past for over a year. I was stupid to believe. I was foolish to trust. But what can I do now? It's over now - the believing, the pain, the love, and the past! I don't know how long will I recover from this but the only thing I know now is that, promises, they can never stand in the test of time...and love, will never be enough to make someone stay. You may disagree with me but it's the truth and it bites and hurts!

But in every heartbreaks, there is what we call "moving on". Moving onto a new life, living all the heartaches and pasts behind. And it's not a choice! It's a NECESSITY! Being stuck is not an option! Moving forward is!

Goodbyes may hurt but sometimes, it's the only thing that will stop you from hoping and believing that promises do exist! Stop believing! It's a lie! It's a trap! A trap that will bring you bruises and wounds that are not easy to cure and alleviate.

A Gloomy Morning with Myself

I always try to cheer myself up every time I feel down and discouraged but the more I try to fake my feelings, the more I get frustrated.

Today is just one of those sluggish days. I woke up from a sad dream and as I get back my consciousness, I felt really, really sad for a reason I really don’t know. Last night, before I slept, I got irritated by the thoughts of people I shouldn’t be thinking of and by the things I tried to obliterate from my system. I just don’t have the peace of mind I need now. (sigh!) They say, every time you feel blue, you just have to think of the happy times you had and everything will be fine but I beg to disagree. It makes you even sadder. Well, in my case it does.

So what’s left for me to think? I don’t want to think of the past, I don’t want to get stuck. I hate the present it makes me feel weary. The future, on the other hand, is so uncertain, I don’t want to assume. (sigh again!)

Nothing really make sense now. >_____<

A Night of Individuality

(This is a late post since it was written on March 2, 2010 at 7pm.)

I was alone eating dinner with a single candle lit that brought me light. I was from the room watching August Rush not realizing that the electricity has gone off.

As I was eating alone, I tried to recall what happened during today. And I realized that nothing unusual has happened. It has never been a fun day. I have not met a friend and my eyes did not twinkle with joy and happiness. It was such an ordinary day, a sad day. So I asked myself, “When will I be happy? When will this sadness, disappointments, and fear abandon me?” (Thinking…) ...Maybe SOON …maybe LATER. God knows.

I don’t know what to write anymore. It’s so silent here that the ticking of the clock is the only sound I could hear. And I am here alone, with a small candle in front of me. It’s too dark and this little candle is bringing me light…a LITTLE candle in a dark space. Isn’t it wonderful? If I blow the little fire in this candle off, it would be too dark here to barely see anything. (Okay, let me try. *blew the candle...lit it again) It was dark without the candle’s light but as I lit the candle again, I see light. Awesome, isn’t it? This little light could be compared to HOPE. Hope could be as small as this dot (.) but this hope gives us the light to continue life, live life as it is, endure all the pain life gives. And even how dark the area where you are is, how dark is your life, a small, little light will be lit for you to bring you hope that, sooner or later, the lights will be turned on and your life will be as bright as you could even imagine.

Well, I sound really ironic here because personally, I get so disappointed and get hurt so easily. During a bad day, I become more of an unfaithful child of God who blames HIM for all the bad things that are happening. But despite that, I never gave in and at the end of the day, I still find myself with my eyes closed with tears, thanking God for the life and for the safety of my friends, family and everyone who is close to my heart. I may be no one for the many people that surrounds me but for HIM, I am somebody and I thank HIM for every day he has given me and for the many chances he has bestowed me so I could correct my mistakes from yesterdays and be with the few people who love me and with the people I love.

Live life as it is, endure the pain, cry, and be happy. For me, this is how life works. Hope and faith will always be our foundation. So hope and keep the faith! ^^,

HACHIKO - the loving dog

I have just finished watching the movie Hachiko almost 20 minutes ago and I have not recovered yet. He keeps on strolling in my mind so I decided to share my feelings about him.

My professor recommended me and my classmates to watch this movie entitled HACHIKO. So in the afternoon during that day, I copied the movie in the Department office.

Just more than an hour earlier, after school, I decided to watch the movie instead of sleeping thinking that I may get bore and could fall asleep. But what happened was very contrary to what I predicted to happen. Even now, I can't seem to feel sleepiness because of this very touching movie. It was worth my time and I'm gonna watch this movie all over again.

What was this movie all about?

It is more than just about the dog. It is basically about loyalty, love, and friendship. Hachiko is a dog - a special one - who found his home in a professor's arm. They made an inseparable bond that every people admired. He accompanied his master in the train station every morning and during his master's arrival from work, he could always be seen waiting at the front door of the station to welcome and accompany his master on their way home. But one day, his master did not come and after that afternoon, he waited and waited. You can't even guess how many years he had we waited.

This movie is a remake of the 1987 Japanese film Hachikō Monogatari. Watch this movie and I can assure you that you're gonna cry like a baby. ^^, It's a very good movie. You sure will love this.

New Life, New Love

It's past 12 in the midnight and I am still alive and kicking due to the innumerable school stuffs that need to be done this week. But here I am counting days for me to come back home and spend my weekend with my friends, family and with my special someone.

Yes, I'm into a relationship now and after a year of being a prisoner of my past love, I am now ready to love again. (charut!) Though all my past relationships failed, I know, somehow, someone will come my way to help me correct the mistakes I made in the past. I may not be that sure if this guy is already the one but I am always ready to take the risk. I love, I get hurt, I laugh, I cry...but the most important thing is that I've learned how to love and felt how to be loved. I just wish myself a goodluck and I really, really hope I have already changed those unnecessary attitude in me, which causes the failure of my past relationships.

Done! I need to go back in studying now. The energy is still in me and I want to keep it until this semester ends.

Happy December everyone! ^____^

Good Morning Sunshine!

I woke up early for school just to discover that we don't have a class in the morning. But good news, the sun is now up after few days of having a gloomy weather. Today, supposedly, will be the only day that I'll attend my classes for this week because the rest of the days were suspended but I only have one class to attend today and the rest of my time will be spent, hopefully, for studying my lessons. I want to keep myself motivated in studying my lessons though I am becoming so link with the PBB Double Up issues. I want to keep myself updated.

I wish everyone a great day today. Enjoy the sun. I hope the weather will stay as beautiful as today. ^____^

Back!

It’s been more than a month since I last posted something in this blog. I’ve been busy doing school stuffs lately but here I am again. (Wide smile)

This semester, hopefully, would be my last semester here in our campus. However, I will not be graduating at the end of the school year yet because I haven’t completed my 250-hour on-the-job-training. Aside from the thesis project that we need to finish before this semester ends, OJT is also a requirement so I really could not graduate this school year. It is sad, yes, but it was never a hindrance for me to do good in my studies. In fact, I am more motivated to study and do well in my classes. I don’t know why but I am really motivated to study this semester. I was, actually, happy to be appreciated by one of my professors. He said I did well on the first meetings of our class. It motivated me more. ^____^

Let us see how far this spirit of motivation would go. Thank you!

Stranded!

It was just yesterday when I was so happy I spent my day with my friends. We had a great time together. And suddenly today, I feel so sad I can't help but cry my heart out. If the past few days have been great, this day was again terrible and so depressing. I have always been like this - a pessimistic kind of person. I just can't help it! I can see that whenever I'm happy, at the end of my day bad news always comes.

There is so much in me that I wanted to share to someone. Well, my friends are there, I can see but I am afraid they'd get tired of me so I don't want to bother them. I don't want them away from me. Being neglected is the very thing I always fear of. It hurts so much whenever someone special neglects me. That is just so painful it depresses me. But that is not my concern for now. I am so depressed I can feel that I am stranded and I can't find a way to help myself out from this place where I am stuck! I don't know what to do! I just hope and pray that soon enough I will be out from this abyss I am in because there are so many things I want to do with my life and share everything I have with the people I love.

Great writer, Happy reader!

WOW! Amazement is what I am feeling in this very moment. I have just read a 174-page book for 2 DAYS! Isn't it great? It was my first time to read a whole book again for nearly a year now and it is really an accomplishment. And take note! The book that I have just read was very informative and interesting I was not able to get myself out from reading it. I am so proud I have finished reading it before my deadline because someone who has an authority over me ordered me to finish reading it for a week. And I have done it for only 2 days! Really great, right? But even without the deadline, I am sure I could still finish it in 2 days or less, only if I don’t have other stuffs to do.

What amazes me more was the connection he had accomplished between me and his stories. He, indeed, is a great writer. The book was actually more of a tutorial kind of book but instead of making it a pure tutorial book, what he did is that he made a story line between a teacher and a student. It was really great it made me laugh and shed a tear while reading the book. Aside from the fun and entertainment I got, I also learned a lot from him.

I am just so happy I was recommended to read his book.

Thank you reading!

P.S. the name of this brilliant and amazing man is J. David Bocock! J

Every second counts!

Next week would be a very long and tiring week for me and my classmates. We have lots of deadlines to meet, lessons to study and projects to finish. And that means one thing - I need to learn to manage my time well and wisely! OH NO! I need to cancel all the social events that I have already planned. No single second should be wasted.

I can see and feel that my eye bags are getting heavy. It alarms me to bones but I need to stop thinking about it and start planning of how things should be done so everything will turn out good. I just hope no conflicts will be seen as I go through this journey of my study. I only have few weeks left to finish this semester and another semester to finish this school year so I hope everything will be fine with my grades. 2010 is fast approaching and I am, somehow excited about the things that may happen in the coming year. Everything will turn out good, right? FIGHTING! ^_____^

More Realizations

Hello everyone. I really had a terrible evening last night. I was supposed to work but due to the bad mood I had, my mind did not work out well so instead of working for school projects and stuffs, I decided to just go to the room and slept.

Today, I realized one thing. I've been experiencing sudden mood swings for these last few weeks and months. Well, I'm always moody but for the past few weeks, it was worse. I don't know how it really started but I really wanted to change it. I wish I could. but the thing is that whenever something or someone irritates me, it gets up to my head and there! From being so cheerful, my mood gets terrible and oftentimes, due to the great irritation I'm feeling, I curse. This is also one of the things that I really wanted to change. I thought I have already overcome this attitude but I was wrong. It's still in me and I usually curse whenever I get mad or irritated. This needs to be changed because people may be annoyed by hearing my curses. I don't want anyone to dislike me because of my unpleasant attitudes. However, I am very glad that my friends still accept me for being me. I just wish they won't get tire of me. So for them to not stay away from me, I need to change the negative me in me, not only for the people that surround me but most especially for myself.

I know this displeasing attitudes of mine will soon disappear. SOON! And I will really try to overcome them. Thanks for reading. God Bless.

Lesson for the day

This day is really frustrating. I just had a bad encounter with someone and it made me realize one thing – one thing that I really need to change. *sighs* I’ve been so indecisive and impulsive my whole life. I always tend to rush things, which oftentimes lead me to regrets. These attitudes are not bringing me any good so I really want to overcome the two. Well, I was trying but every time I’m in a situation where I need to choose between what can make me happy, I tend to forget that I need to think things first and oftentimes commit mistakes.


I wonder when I will ever overcome these two unpleasant attitudes. Perhaps, most of my friends get irritated with me when I become indecisive. So this time, I’m going to slow things down. I will try to overcome these two displeasing attitudes that I have so there’s nothing I will regret in the end.

A great day with friends

It's been a long time since I went biking with friends. And just today, I, together with my 3 girl friends and a boy friend went biking. One of my friends doesn't know how to ride a bike so we taught her. Unfortunately, she was not able to learn yet. We had a great time together. However, two accidents happened. I and one of the girls were injured due to biking. I got plenty of scratches in both arms, knees, and in the face. My friend’s hands get wounded and it was really an OUCH. She is fine though. But despite the accidents, we had fun. After biking, we went home and took a rest. Afterwards, we went to a park away from the city. We talked and talked and laughed and laughed and took pictures and went home. It was really a great day. I wish to have more great and happy days to come.