i wish..i wish

I wish I could be a li’l harsh. I wish life could stop being harsh. I wish everything was different – my hair, my school, my SELF, everything! I wish I was not the kind who gets hurt so easily. I wish I was the insensitive one. I wish I was stronger. I wish I could ignore everyone who keeps on pulling me down. I wish I could be mean. I wish I could live without those I couldn’t live without now. I wish I don’t have this messy, fuckin’ life. I wish I was never even born. I wish I never met those people who contributed me pain. I wish I could just laugh and laugh and laugh. I wish problems could be ignored. I wish… I wish… upon a star.

My being emotional, kind and sensitive are not contributing me any good. I wish…I could change for the good of me because im tired..im soo tired with this bullshit life of mine. I wish…I wish!

feels like today

Every day is a day of pain and trials for me. I feel like I’ve fallin into a very deep abyss and I can’t move up. People see me as a happy person but deep inside I’m dying in pain. Well, it has never been about guys because people think that a person becomes more emotional when brokenhearted. But no, it’s not about it. It’s about my life in general. My life was full of pains I don’t even want to live with it. If only I could change it. But I can’t and I need to live with this until my last breath.

People have so many friends and so do I. But among those friends I have now, a few only knows me much or maybe nobody really knows me at all. And only a few understands me as me. People tend to joke around on me and they have never known that, sometimes, those funny li’l jokes for them have stroke and hurt me. But that was fine. Maybe they don’t really mean those. Maybe I am really just a weakling. I cry and get hurt so easily, which I really hate about myself. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to stop crying and live a happy life full of laughter and joy. But how? I feel like I was abandoned by everyone.

I hate the set up of my life. I want to change it but I think I can’t yet. I have always wished I could just run away and forget everything and everyone but how could I ever do that? Is it even possible? I remember when I was younger, I wanted to be in an accident and get amnesia so I could forget all the problems I’m facing. Well, until now, I’m still wishing I could have amnesia. I want to forget everything…and everyone. Friends! Sometimes, your friends are the ones who could make you feel bitter. They may not know it or they may have not done it intentionally but it’s true. They, sometimes, are the ones pulling you down. Well this may not be true to everyone but for me it is. But still, friendship is more important for me and I love my friends. I am a person who never keeps hatred in the heart. I forgive so easily and I think that is, somehow, a weakness. Is it? Well, I think it is. Sometimes, I wanted to hate someone but I just can’t understand why I can’t. Maybe I’m just too kind I can’t hate anyone even those people who “contributed” bitterness in my life.

But despite all the problems, I still find reasons to smile in a day. It’s just that there are days that I feel so sentimental just like today. But what I’m trying to do now is to be more optimistic and see the bright side of my life. I don’t want to miss the happy moments life may bring. No retreat…no surrender. Life goes on and I know, someday, somehow, I could find that happiness I’ve been longing to have. And someday, I could say that all these pains I have now are all worth the happiness I would soon have.

Writing how I feel today makes my day better. I feel better now. Have a good day. ^____^